i am the kaypo queen

lots of people have been asking me what I'm doing now but there is so much more to glean from that when you put it into context.

Recently, there was someone who asked me what I was doing now and I replied with a soft "I've just graduated from Temasek Poly". To which he replied "WAH PIANG, YOU HOW OLD ALREADY, ONLY JUST GRADUATED". Taken aback, I just launched into my defence mechanism of "EH, OMG. DON'T LEH, I SHY LAHH."

Inside, I was dying.

You see, I'm not sure if I was affected by it because what he said which had been laced with so much ill intent(although executed in a joke) or if that had been cumulated with the fact that I was ashamed of my space in life. Take for instance had I not been ashamed of having graduated from a polytechnic, would I have replied in a soft wavering voice to begin with? Would that have led to me feeling poorly about myself because of what he said. Granted, his statement was a breeding ground for the power of association to ruin you but if you were truly confident of your course, you wouldn't have been affected by it.

You see, this is the thought process of lois. "WAH PIANG, YOU HOW OLD ALREADY, ONLY JUST GRADUATED".

Immediately, the neurons start hopping about to isolate "old" and "already", both of which held negative connotations.

Old meant that I was slower than people, that I was behind people, that I'd wasted an extra year of my life when my peers had already moved on to college/ university education. Lois as of now would self annihilate within 2 minutes of processing this thought but someone with confidence and trust in the poly system would have immediately gone, WAIT A MINUTE, that's one extra year of work experience, life experience and hands on that my junior college peers never got to experience because they were too busy studying about Hitler being a total asshole or that ovaries are found in both women and flowers. (HAHA, PANSY.) or that Hitler had ovaries. Wait, that can't be right. Hmm, who cares. I never went to a junior college to study subjects as such, I wouldn't know. =x

Already just meant that my peers had gone on to accomplish things that I had yet to set eyes on and here I was, a fresh poly graduate.

I don't know, as much as I really felt like flicking that person who said that, I know that I'm partly to blame. Do I really want to name a crime a racial crime just because it was done to an african american when the offender in question just happened to first see an african american and didn't specially pick an african american to commit the crime on? Where do I draw that line? Is the sensitivity heightened because I am so emotionally attached to it that I don't have enough grace to let go of the knots in my heart.

People sometimes say I'm flaky and that I'm fickle but when you see life through my eyes, you see life very differently, no, I am not a weed smoking hippie and no, I do not see the world in psychedelic wonder. I'm just saying that when people see life, they see life as a good university degree, good paying job, promotions, family and people to send you off when you die. When I see life, I see fear, happiness, apprehension, opportunity. I'm clearly not judging them, it isn't wrong for them to think the way they do, just as how people shouldn't persecute me just because I think this way. It really is just about alternative thought processes.

I mean, lets just take a simple example. During my internship, I had to copy-type 67 page agreements. Granted, it would seem most boring but to me, it was an exercise of patience, creativity and quick thinking. Why so? I put it to you that there is only one way of copy-typing agreements? Yes? No?

I found a few ways to do it much quicker and more efficiently. Its how you look at it. It's really just about how you look at things. I can't look at trees and see them as trees anymore. I can only see trees and see strength and potential.

Then, I look at myself in the mirror but I don't see my peace.

My feelings now would be rightly summed up by this song sung by Rhordan whom I personally don't know (but Nicholas sent it to me cos he thought I would appreciate it and I surely did). This was taken from the Redemption Hill Musical and it touched me deeply.

Am I not to believe that

things would change for sure

that a story from old

has the power to turn things around

there was once a man who

lived and died for us

claimed that he is

giver of hope

could it be?

that this man i don't know from so long ago

might be calling out to me

should i believe what i'm told?

has my heart grown cold?

i can't hear through all the pain

and i can't take this step

if i don't know the way

give me a sign

let me know what to hear

courage to search for the truth in this mess they call life

amidst all the fear and confusion

a hope to go on;

there might be peace

there will be truth

there's something more ----

could this be hope?